Moodiness

I love my life. I really, really do. I have an amazing husband that I love so much, three great, healthy kids, the greatest job ever. I literally have nothing I should complain about. But every so often I just wake up in a funk. Most of the time it involves me being in a mood about my weight and my body. Today was no exception. I feel like I constantly live in limbo land regarding my body, consisting of dieting, frustration, and acceptance.

When I am in the dieting mode it always starts out wonderfully. I feel very in control, I am not bored with diet food, I am doing awesome. Then after the same 5 lbs are lost, I back pedal. I start hating my workouts. I just want some damn junk food. I just want it to be easier.

So then I fall off the wagon which leads to the frustration. Why can I not stick with this, why is it so hard, why do I hate exercise so. I beat myself up about how lazy I am and my lack of willpower. I know how to do this, I've done it before, so why do I keep ending up here.

Then I try to very hard to get to acceptance. I try to accept that I am human and will have bad days, weeks, even months or years. That my body can and will change, and that is ok to be where I am for right now. So tomorrow I will try again to get back on the health wagon for the 500th time and hope it sticks around a little longer than the last time.

End of an Era

Our family came to a huge milestone this week with Jim going under the scalpel (really it is a laser) of a very nice urologist for the "snip" as we call it in our house. We were all anxious all week. Jim for obvious reasons, mine were a bit different.

Of course, I was concerned about my sweet husband who hates doctors and all things medical. I was especially concerned because they decided to put him under anesthesia for the procedure. What I thought was going to be a quick 30 minute office procedure, turned out to be a 3 hour trip to the surgery center with my three kids in tow. They behaved beautifully as they always do when we are in a pinch, but they asked a million questions which were kind of tough to answer. Jim was absolutely fine, with almost no pain at all. Just two tiny, and I mean tiny, spots on the "area" with two stitches. He will be officially sterile in about three months.

Which brings me to my other concern. I was sorta of sad to be done with our baby making days. Don't get me wrong, at this point I am sure that I don't want to have any more babies. Being pregnant at this point sounds like some kind of prolonged torture and Evan is three. We don't have to worry about anything infant anymore. Our house isn't at all childproofed. We have no more baby paraphernalia like strollers or diapers. We let our kids play outside alone, we sleep in on the weekend, we can tell them to grab their shoes and we can go anywhere. It is a freedom that I have waited on for 8 years and I love we are at that stage. However, in my heart I ache a bit for that 4th kid that we shoulda, coulda had. I desperately begged Jim for us to have one more for almost a year. I started right after Evan turned one. He always did a great job convincing me all the reasons why our family was great the way it was, all of the reasons were always true. I had no real reasons to have another baby, I just still felt like I wanted to have one more child in my life to love. It wasn't that I was holding out for a girl, although that would've be wonderful. I really just felt in my heart that I should have one more.

So with the snip, those dreams of a 4th are officially over. Doesn't really matter though since God has already blessed me with the three most amazing human beings to love and care for. Who really deserves to ask for more after you get that??

Halloween

Leading up to Halloween this year we were very busy with sports, church, and school. We didn't end up putting out all of our decorations, we just never got to it. We didn't make many crafts or a spooky dessert like we've done in years past, we never had the time. However, like I should always remember, the kids didn't really miss it. They mentioned things here or there, but then ran outside to play with their friends when given a choice to do something else. All of them gave me a reason to know they were growing up. Evan insisted to carve his own pumpkin, even though Dad helped a little, it was his crazy design. Nathan has always been a bit leery of dressing up, but did it with gusto this year. Colin was impossible to find a costume for, nothing was jumping out to him for some reason. I gave up and talked him into just buying a black cape thing and put makeup on his face. He didn't like that everyone said he was dressed up as "death" Neither did Mom, by the way he was officially a ghoul. They walked up to the houses alone this year and Jim and I stood back and watched from the sidewalk. They didn't need us to hold their hands, they weren't afraid, they said trick or treat and thank you mostly without prompt from us. At least we have a few more years on the sidewalk. When we got home they dove into their candy, Colin decided to eat his full size candy bar first of course. Then we cuddled on the couch and watched The Great Pumpkin for the 20th time of the season. Somehow that never gets old.